An Alternative Theory

I’m waiting on some people to get back to me with quotes for a press release that I’m writing for some legislation that will drop next week (yes, drop, because I live in a world where legislation is cooler than actual music albums), so I made myself some pasta for dinner. Guys, I poured the rest of a box of penne into the pot, and my first thought was, “Well, shit, that’s not enough. Guess I can eat this and then make more” because um, I’m not mixing pastas to start. That would be like letting one food item touch another on a plate: gross and disgusting.

Turns out, it was a perfect amount. This is why I can’t be trusted to not make way too much pasta. This is also why in college we made our roommate, Team A, make us our pasta because she was the only one, even then, who could make an appropriate amount. Suck it, Corrine, we had a group nanny before you could even comprehend the word “nanny”. (Bachelor reference. One of the girls legit has a nanny. I aspire to this level of income where someone can supervise me.)

Speaking of things that can’t be trusted: this administration, y’all.


Yesterday, I saw someone tweet these poll results:

Excuse me, what?
God I hate millennials. I am one. I still hate them.

Then today, I saw someone tweet this quote from CPAC (or Conservative Political Action Conference… where allllllll the conservative bros gather to discuss policy, er, how to make the party more diverse, rather, how they can dig their feet in more against us awful terrible people who’d like this country to be equitable for everyone):

I’ve got nothing. I don’t even know. Literally cannot even.

You know, a lot of people have commented – myself included – that we really envy the people in the alternate universe where Hillary Clinton won the election. There’s even a Twitter account for that.


On Pod Save America the other day, Katie Couric asked the guys to make a prediction about something, and Tommy Vietor said that they’d stopped making predictions because he was still predicting a Hillary victory.

So when I saw that tweet today, about how maybe we would have won the Cold War if ONLY those stupid lib-tards had the presence of mind to view Russia as an enemy, it struck me: the only thing that can possibly be happening right now in 2017 is that two alternative universes are colliding.

Hear me out. I’m about to go way above my pay grade. (It’s funny because I’m a free lancer/consultant and I don’t have a pay grade)

If you believe that the universe is infinite, then there has to be a replica of all this shit happening somewhere else. Probably in a galaxy far, far away. God, I hope in a galaxy far, far away. Ok, so I’ve already made Stephen Hawking throw up.

Regardless, on that planet – let’s call it Earth 2 – where America’s history diverged from our own here on Earth 1, that’s the place where Donald Trump won the election. That place is where we’ve been fighting along side Russia, our ally, against terrorism since the collapse of the Cold War, where, you guessed it, we lost. Or drew, which is as bad as a defeat. Either way, Russia is chill. That’s why some Republicans seem so blasé about this whole Trump/Putin bromance. Because everything else is the same except for this one piece about how the Cold War ended. Which is kind of believable: without proxy wars between two hegemonic states, who both exerted existed in a relatively peaceful 1990s period, it’s somewhat believable that we would both ignore the colonialism that led to a lot of issues in the developing world, including terrorism and non-state actors, and also that the US and Russia would both enjoy their economic upswing when they didn’t have to spend so freaking much on nuclear weapons, and ignore struggling states.

Where did this divergence occur? I’m going to say when Nixon traveled to China. Because as long as we’re evoking the memory of Dick, let’s just go with it.

So Nixon goes to China, reestablishes diplomatic relations. Now in the mid 1970s, Russia experienced a declining economy. Let’s say they wanted to open talks, and Nixon being in China offers the perfect opportunity and cover. So by the time you get to Ford, Russia is in a period of stagnation, with leaders coming in who weren’t around for the truly scintillating period of revolution in the ’20s, they’re itching for some change. They’ve got an educated populace, a true belief in socialism and an idealistic outlook on the world. Instead of falling back on their dictatorship, Russia at this point modernizes: they become more liberal (read: free), and they begin to transition their political culture.

We on the other hand, there on Earth 2, let Nixon’s impeachment strangle us. The rest of the 1970s aren’t that effective. We totally bungle Iran-Contra again. But this time, we can’t look at Russia and claim how morally superior we are. In our trade deals at the end of the 1980s and beginning of the 1990s, we begin to open trade because now, since Russia’s pivoted just enough to win/draw the Cold War, we can’t fight proxy wars against socialism/communism as the superior. They really believe in their system, and are making it work for their people. But this is all leader dependent, right? Socialism in practice on Earth 2 hangs in the balance between leaders who care about the system, and leaders who see it as they historically have here on Earth 1: a ride to power.

So this whole thing allows Trump to come to power. We’re not the world’s moral compass, we’re sharing it with Russia, who has broken up the USSR out of the goodness of their hearts and because socialism works a bit better with a smaller population. But in recent years, Putin still comes to power (just go with it), and he’s the leader that just wanted power and abused the system. So people are still looking at Russia as the ally we’ve utilized since the end of the Cold War: with leaders who are happy to dance on stage drunk, or who instigated a successful perestroika. So Trump doesn’t seem all that out of touch for thinking of them as an ally, because Putin is a new breed of Russian leader from the past 30 years.

The white supremacist tendencies still exist over on Earth 2, just as they do here on Earth 1 because goddamnit the white dudes still have power and you just cannot demand equal seats at the table without them flipping the eff out on you.

Meanwhile, here on Earth 1 where US-Russia relations remain at arms length, Russia is still trying to destabilize us. We can look back on history though and say, “You know what, Russia, you lost. Your method of governance failed, and now you’ve got yet another awful dictator who represses his people, and you are NOT doing the same shit to us.” And despite some of the more maddening things about Hillary, we know better than to cozy up to someone who has spent his entire life trying to undermine our country… and Putin too. So on Earth 1, we elected my girl, and we’re not having manufactured crises every day, and people aren’t scared for themselves or loved ones because they may be brown or gender queer or love someone of the same gender.

Except somewhere along the way, these two separate planets in galaxies infinitely far away from another started to short out and merge. So we got an alternative president, who is bungling the system as we’ve created it here on Earth 1. He has no idea how bad, because in his last 30 years, things have been totally different. And in this short out, we got some of the other citizens too, who are like, “Things are a lot harder when you’ve got two stable hegemons competing for trade and goods and have lots of great things to offer partners. Also, automation is still a bitch and that robot took my job.”

So here we are. This is my explanation for it. And somewhere, there’s an Earth 3 where things are all well and good and Hillary is president and people are sleeping soundly in their beds, and I didn’t have to start an entire new website dedicated to The Resistance and protesting. Can NASA forget this Trappist-1 crap and figure out how to get me to this other planet where Hillary won?


Y’all, we’re only 34 days in and I’m already losing it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *